tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4940224740718934743.post7258964389989973197..comments2024-03-10T04:29:20.044-04:00Comments on Mad Genius Club: BeginningsSarah A. Hoythttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17478124095732219352noreply@blogger.comBlogger39125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4940224740718934743.post-79456928665818145772010-10-17T17:28:11.862-04:002010-10-17T17:28:11.862-04:00I awoke from a dead sleep – for once, a sleep with...I awoke from a dead sleep – for once, a sleep without nightmares.<br /><br />This is from "The Monster Apprentice" for 9-14 year olds. She's awake because pirates have been spotted, and someone's at the door raising the village to (attempt to) defend themselves. <br /><br />She has nightmares because when she was five (she's thirteen now) she saw her twin sister get killed by the monsters native to the island. The book (after she tricks the pirates into temporarily passing by) is about her secret decision to train the monsters to fight the pirates and save her island.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4940224740718934743.post-85999543957291418332010-10-06T09:26:03.931-04:002010-10-06T09:26:03.931-04:00Sarah, you are evil. Especially since you know ho...Sarah, you are evil. Especially since you know how much I want you to finish the book that last line comes from. Evil, evil, evil.<br /><br />Okay, the first line makes me wonder just what your speaker does. Hitman? Exorcist? Demon hunter or plumber? There are so many possibilities. Add that to the "voice" and I want more.<br /><br />Your second line sounds like my life, except you have to substitute novel/short story for art. It is also a feeling almost all of us can relate to in one way or another. So the question becomes just what form of "reality" does Cace live in when immersed in a project?<br /><br />And, as for the third, well, I'll just repeat what I said earlier. You're evil for once more taunting me with this first line. Where's the rest of the book, dammit?Amanda Greenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02927312739323222344noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4940224740718934743.post-55189381106929121522010-10-06T09:05:43.555-04:002010-10-06T09:05:43.555-04:00mine:
Look honey, ain’t nothing special about what...mine:<br />Look honey, ain’t nothing special about what I do.<br /><br />Cace had always been prone to forgetting the existence of the real world when immersed in an art project.<br /><br />*They hurt you, my liege, and I was not there to protect you,* the words pounded through Lucretia’s head as she rode away from the palace on the lonely country road between snow covered fields.Sarah A. Hoythttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17478124095732219352noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4940224740718934743.post-77834186671934639252010-10-05T06:03:52.331-04:002010-10-05T06:03:52.331-04:00Thanks Amanda.
Robin Hood is actually an old guy ...Thanks Amanda.<br /><br />Robin Hood is actually an old guy in a costume at the Robin Hood festival at Sherwood forest. He's probably dead by chapter two because the festival is attacked by aliens (using giant bats as landing craft).<br /><br />As for the heathens, they're just regular run of the mill heathens. They're lulling the religious folk into a false sense of security so they'll be really surprised when an attack comes at some other time.Unknownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15000452741444347283noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4940224740718934743.post-91124230092489444282010-10-04T09:59:40.264-04:002010-10-04T09:59:40.264-04:00Matapam, imo, the first two sentences are better t...Matapam, imo, the first two sentences are better than your last example for the simple reason the two sentences do create curiosity in the reader and they also set a tone. In the two sentences, the reader at least feels like they might be in the mind of your POV character, getting a glimpse into her attitude about picking rocks. The second example, while good, takes that away from the reader. Again, this is imo only.Amanda Greenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02927312739323222344noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4940224740718934743.post-40140246037365962282010-10-04T09:46:11.442-04:002010-10-04T09:46:11.442-04:00Looking at first, vs first and second lines is int...Looking at first, vs first and second lines is interesting.<br /><br /><br />Picking rocks was only fun for the first half hour.<br /><br />Pity it was such a good way to practice magic<br /><br /><br />Is that a better hook than:<br /><br /><br />She practiced her magic by clearing frost heaved rocks from the field.<br /><br /><br />The single line will at least not have people thinking up recipes for pickled granite.MataPamhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11128604732495114033noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4940224740718934743.post-12601511366209478202010-10-04T08:00:46.040-04:002010-10-04T08:00:46.040-04:00Scott, the KSR quote is a good one. Although, wit...Scott, the KSR quote is a good one. Although, without enough coffee in me this morning, I first read the last part of it as "and then it kills you." Tells you what I'm like first thing in the morning ;-)<br /><br />Your Robin Hood line is cool. Something is definitely out of place and you cue the reader to that immediately. Is this the real Robin Hood? Is there someone running around behaving like Robin Hood and the driver will be in hot water for hitting a pop hero? Worse, was some child running around in a Robin Hood costume and the driver hit him? Or maybe Robin Hood is an animal of some sort. So many questions you want answered right away.<br /><br /><i>The heathens liked to attack at prayer time.</i> Interesting start. You might be able to punch it up a bit, but it is a good opening as is. Are these heathens non-believers who attack at a time they think the "righteous" will be vulnerable or are they just a bunch of unruly kids who "attack" by acting out during church? As with your other first line, a lot of possible explanations and most readers will keep with the story at least a bit longer to find out how you develop the scene and story.Amanda Greenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02927312739323222344noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4940224740718934743.post-86994085850521727452010-10-04T07:54:09.318-04:002010-10-04T07:54:09.318-04:00Chris Mc, I meant what I said. I do want to read ...Chris Mc, I meant what I said. I do want to read this. And good luck with the rewrite. I hate doing them.Amanda Greenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02927312739323222344noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4940224740718934743.post-33729981858295093142010-10-04T07:53:24.014-04:002010-10-04T07:53:24.014-04:00Dave, my first thought as I read your line was you...Dave, my first thought as I read your line was your comments on your Flinders blog about finding the frog or toad in your wellie and how neither of you enjoyed the encounter. My second was to wonder what the old woman wanted the poor fellow to do about the alien in her shoe. After all, she's the one with the ladle. Maybe it's his fault the alien is there -- whether he knows it or not...hehehehe.<br /><br />And, btw, I want to read it.Amanda Greenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02927312739323222344noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4940224740718934743.post-88026813233831766002010-10-04T05:39:43.208-04:002010-10-04T05:39:43.208-04:00Kim Stanley Robinson--
First you fall in love wit...Kim Stanley Robinson--<br /><br />First you fall in love with Antarctica, and the it breaks your heart.<br /><br />And here's the opening line from one I'll probably be offering for free on the internet--<br /><br />Kim turned into the car-park and almost ran over Robin Hood.<br /><br />And another that I'll get back to one day--<br /><br />The heathens liked to attack at prayer time.Unknownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15000452741444347283noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4940224740718934743.post-25492632533442804772010-10-03T23:45:39.974-04:002010-10-03T23:45:39.974-04:00Thanks, Amanda. Trying to rewrite that one at the ...Thanks, Amanda. Trying to rewrite that one at the moment. Nice encouragement!Chris McMahonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17883058490702361466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4940224740718934743.post-73398274143187164762010-10-03T23:12:18.378-04:002010-10-03T23:12:18.378-04:00Stephen - I love that first line.
Amanda I found...Stephen - I love that first line.<br /><br />Amanda I found the first line I was looking for --<br /><br />"There's an alien living in my shoe," screeched the mob-capped old woman, as she waved her ladle threatingly under his nose.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12315551718688781746noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4940224740718934743.post-33558800390707292032010-10-03T22:12:22.126-04:002010-10-03T22:12:22.126-04:00Chris Mc, that is wonderful. Love it.Chris Mc, that is wonderful. Love it.Amanda Greenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02927312739323222344noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4940224740718934743.post-41246353786272143422010-10-03T22:08:30.533-04:002010-10-03T22:08:30.533-04:00The sensation always filled Karic with terror. Not...The sensation always filled Karic with terror. Not in the knowing he had been fading away, but in the realisation he was returning. It was that horrible moment when he passed across the threshold of consciousness, suddenly aware, yet still too close to the unknowable state that preceeded it to form a thought.<br /><br />He drew in a sharp breath, the rapid beat of his heart like some new thing in his chest.<br /><br />‘Back,’ he mumbled.<br /><br />His hand hovered over his heart, then his fingers teased open the smart seam of his uniform fatigue to find the St Christopher medal on his chest. He gripped it between his thumb and forefinger, his thumb circling the smooth, ancient metal of the backing in anxious circles.<br /><br />He cast a guilty look around the suspension room and the still forms of the other seven officers of the Starburst, their bodies surrounded by the shimmering nimbus of the suspension field, but there was no chance of them catching him out in his little act of superstition. Seven generations of Boston Catholic were hard to erase, even in the fusion age.Chris McMahonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17883058490702361466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4940224740718934743.post-47902499463940779422010-10-03T21:42:27.309-04:002010-10-03T21:42:27.309-04:00Thanks Amanda. I think my favorite first line of ...Thanks Amanda. I think my favorite first line of anything I've written to date was the first flash I ever sold:<br /><br />Loki <i>really</i> should have known better.Stephen Simmonshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07522113936557314128noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4940224740718934743.post-71447236888654999342010-10-03T21:30:50.253-04:002010-10-03T21:30:50.253-04:00Chris Mc, no fair! I want to know what sensation ...Chris Mc, no fair! I want to know what sensation and why it fills him with terror.Amanda Greenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02927312739323222344noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4940224740718934743.post-2954568081000445532010-10-03T21:29:02.079-04:002010-10-03T21:29:02.079-04:00Dave, I take issue. You have wonderful first line...Dave, I take issue. You have wonderful first lines and your second lines build upon them. So no more dropping coconuts on your head until you realize that. But looking at my own collection of books and then my own writing, I have more books where the second or third lines are stronger than the first -- at least in books I enjoyed reading. As for my work, if I'm lucky I have a strong second line but too often it is a stronger second paragraph than first.Amanda Greenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02927312739323222344noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4940224740718934743.post-82529851074201398782010-10-03T21:23:46.125-04:002010-10-03T21:23:46.125-04:00Linda, go for it and let me read it when you finis...Linda, go for it and let me read it when you finish...I have to know about those riders ;-)Amanda Greenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02927312739323222344noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4940224740718934743.post-8149707580400748532010-10-03T21:22:50.517-04:002010-10-03T21:22:50.517-04:00Stephen, good luck with the contest and let us kno...Stephen, good luck with the contest and let us know the results.Amanda Greenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02927312739323222344noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4940224740718934743.post-29942512323360780322010-10-03T21:15:44.569-04:002010-10-03T21:15:44.569-04:00The sensation always filled Karic with terror.The sensation always filled Karic with terror.Chris McMahonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17883058490702361466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4940224740718934743.post-46219815694235228242010-10-03T20:58:29.119-04:002010-10-03T20:58:29.119-04:00You know, I learn something new every time on this...You know, I learn something new every time on this site.<br />I thought: I'll play. Especially as I read Matapam's as Pickling rocks - which filled my mind with stories and curousity. <br /><br />I went and looked at the first pages of some of my collection... and concluded fiirst lines are actually a bad cue to good books! <br /><br />I then went looking at my own and decided I actually went in for good SECOND lines.<br /><br />"I QUIT," said Death.<br /><br />or <br /> "Bottle of Gin,<br /> Shweet oblivion..." sang the ragged individual clutching my prison in drunken delight.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12315551718688781746noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4940224740718934743.post-5506522819199645832010-10-03T20:51:22.465-04:002010-10-03T20:51:22.465-04:00Thanks, Amanda. It's a flash version of a sto...Thanks, Amanda. It's a flash version of a story that I wrote as a flash to make sure I had the core of the story like I wanted it. Now I shall flesh out and expand at will. But the first paragraph stays.<br /><br />LindaAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4940224740718934743.post-92014395681575817172010-10-03T20:22:41.087-04:002010-10-03T20:22:41.087-04:00Amanda - I have to confess: I cheated to get that...Amanda - I have to confess: I cheated to get that into your stated guidelines. The story I submitted actually has that as two sentences, with the first comma in this version actually being a period. That's the entry I sent to the L. Ron Hubbard contest last quarter, which the judges should be reporting out on next month. Not expecting anything earth-shattering, but "hope springs eternal" ...Stephen Simmonshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07522113936557314128noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4940224740718934743.post-83231935695663558622010-10-03T20:19:11.182-04:002010-10-03T20:19:11.182-04:00Chris K, my only question is how non-corporeal fin...Chris K, my only question is how non-corporeal fingers can give a back rub. Otherwise, it's a fun hook.Amanda Greenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02927312739323222344noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4940224740718934743.post-46059113393840140022010-10-03T20:17:15.393-04:002010-10-03T20:17:15.393-04:00Brendan, you're a man after my own heart. A g...Brendan, you're a man after my own heart. A good threat, especially one phrased like that, is almost always a good way to open because of all the possibilities it raises in the reader's mind.Amanda Greenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02927312739323222344noreply@blogger.com